well, i quit my job about 1 1/2 months ago. at times i've felt like i was crazy to do so considering 1. the job itself
2. how much money i made &
3. considering we're in something similar to a depression and people are losing their jobs left and right, it felt kind of arrogant
it started with a few things --- more hours, less pay, the feeling of anger & resentment that became more and more evident within my psyche. i went away on a trip with my family (the first in 2 years) and although i requested not to be bothered, my job was not allowing me a much needed getaway. the more and more i got upset, the clearer it became -- my job had taken over my life. my kids, husband, myself were completely neglected and my soul was not going to stand for it one more month. a 'voice' or a feeling, something spoke to me so loud and clear that it could not be ignored. i needed to quit my job - the job that most of my friends and relatives have been so envious of because i 'play' with the rich and famous who visit my island. i have to admit, the first year was great. i met, hosted, planned trips to celebs most only dream of meeting. i loved it -- until it took over my entire life. i let it. i became so over identified with who i was -- that i was part of this circle only a very small few were priveledged to be a part of. but that's the thing, i stopped giving a shit. i didn't care who was who anymore - and still don't. we're all human - we all eat, sleep, love, cry, laugh, etc -- celebrity, rich, poor, middle class, black, white, brown, yellow or green.
so here i am - thirty three years old, mother of three, wife, ex wife, aunty, daughter, sister and unemployed - searching for myself, my true self. not to say that this is the first time. i've been on the look for years. i've read more self help books than you can imagine - i feel like i know wayne dyer & deepak, katie byron, paulo cohelo, and all the like. i have been to conventional therapy, 'soul' therapy, workshops up the ying yang. i wouldn't call myself a 'new ager' because first i think i'm too young and second i'm way too much of a sceptic and totally believe that as much as there is light there is dark. anyway, to get on with it -- i realized today, while at home taking care of my sick child that i LOVE being a mother and wife. who knew?? i always thought that i had to BE something else. but why? yes, there is a part of me that wants to make an impact on the world, to do something creative that will get acknowledged by others, but first i feel like i have to find what i love...and i've found a piece. today i went through about 15 of my martha stewart living magazines and cut out all the recipes that inspire me & all the decorating ideas that i love and am putting together my own version -- cutting and pasting so that i don't have to search through the ads and shit i don't like. in addition, i made an AMAZING dinner and homemade organic caramel!! i am thoroughly impressed with me :)
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